It’s time to disarm your inner self-saboteur.
Do you constantly put off important projects, only to rush them and never achieve the results you would like? Perhaps you jump ship every time a relationship gets serious or experience analysis paralysis with each new business idea? It’s time to tame your inner self-saboteur and get out of your own way.
What is self-sabotage?
Self-sabotage involves engaging in behaviour that prevents you from achieving your goals. This can occur actively or passively and works in a vicious cycle that erodes self-confidence, self-esteem and even your relationships. Every time you fail to achieve what you want, you “prove” to yourself that you cannot or should not do it. This can leave you feeling even more unworthy of the success you seek and perpetuates the brutal self-sabotage cycle.
Signs of self-sabotage
Self-sabotage can manifest in many ways, but there are common behaviours that are observed. Grab a pen and paper and take a moment to reflect on your own behaviour. Do you catch yourself doing any of the below? If so, how does it affect your wellbeing and success? Write it down.
Are you always procrastinating or avoiding important tasks?
Are you prioritising instant gratification?
Do you often over-commit?
Are you focusing on negative self-talk?
Do you find yourself swinging between all or nothing?
Why do we self-sabotage?
Our self-sabotage is often perpetuated by an inner critic we all possess, commonly known as our ‘anti-self’. The anti-self is usually formed from early life experiences and inherent attitudes from influential adults. It tells us we’re not good enough or to go against the goals we are working toward.
While there is research to suggest our inner self-saboteur aims to protect us, it usually does more harm than good. Worse yet, it can be so deep-seated and work so quietly that we don’t even know it’s there, let alone what it’s up to.
Grab your pen and paper again and consider whether any of the below reasons resonate with you.
Do you have low self-esteem?
Do you have limiting beliefs?
Do you experience imposter syndrome?
Do you always need to be in control?
Do you always seek familiarity?
Do you fear failure?
Are you scared of success?
Do you always protect your ego?
How to disarm your inner self-saboteur
- Establish more self-awareness
The first step to stopping self-sabotage is to become more aware of your daily thoughts and behaviours.
Consider the goals you have had for a long time. What has prevented you from achieving them? Do you leave everything to that last minute? Do you give up when things get uncomfortable or tell yourself you don’t have what it takes?
Use the ‘Signs of self-sabotage’ questions as a guide to identifying reoccurring themes.
- Identify and understand the triggers, thoughts and emotions that lead to the behaviour
Once you have identified any instances of self-sabotage, reflect on what triggered that behaviour.
Did you start a new diet, only to break it due to self-doubt? “What’s the point in trying? I always fail anyway.” Or perhaps your boss asked you to prepare an important presentation. You know it could lead to the promotion you’ve had your eye on, but imposter syndrome launches into full flight: “I don’t know enough about this. What if someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to? I’m supposed to be an expert!” Fear sweeps over you, so you handball the presentation to another colleague.
Use the ‘Why do we self-sabotage?’ questions to help you to identify your triggers, thoughts and emotions that cause self-sabotage. From there, consider past experiences to try to understand why you might feel that way.
- Establish behavioural plans of what to do instead
Not it’s time to establish an action plan for when your inner saboteur makes another appearance.
Chances are, the emotions that led to your self-sabotage were caused by irrational thoughts. Consider the evidence for those thoughts and how you can respond more constructively. Next time those emotions or thoughts arise, refer to your new written responses and begin to consciously change your behaviour. For example, you could swap “I don’t know enough about this” to “how can I learn more about this?”
Altering your automatic responses will take self-discipline and time, so it’s important not to expect change overnight. Be kind to yourself and aim to improve your habits rather than eliminate them entirely.
A note from Beljeet
Striving for goals and overcoming deep-seated habits and beliefs is no easy feat. If you are having difficulty understanding your inner self-saboteur, it can help to speak to a therapist or life coach. It is often difficult to view our own behaviours objectively and we can miss key insights into the triggers and emotions that hold us back.
If you would like to discuss your inner self-saboteur, you can contact me for a complimentary Discovery Session (valued at $120). In our one-on-one session, we can shed light on your self-sabotage experiences and uncover steps to help you reach your full potential.
