How to overcome the perils of perfectionism.
Do you feel exhausted from expecting so much from yourself? Are you overworked from people-pleasing and stuck in analysis paralysis? While striving for excellence is associated with increased confidence, healthy self-esteem and a fulfilling life, it is important to have reasonable and healthy expectations. Unfortunately, more and more of us appear to be struggling with the expectations we place on ourselves, proving it is possible to have too much of a good thing.
If you want to stop expecting so much of yourself, an interesting question to ask yourself is: “why?” Your answers could be because…
- “My perfectionism is preventing me from actioning anything.”
- “Trying to fulfil my expectations is exhausting and often unrealistic.”
- “I am never satisfied with what I do.”
- “I always beat myself up about the things I could have done better and rarely acknowledge the things I do well.”
- “I put other people’s needs ahead of my own and feel drained.”
- “I always take on too much.”
- “I never allow myself to make a mistake. When I do, I feel like a failure.”
- “I never feel good enough.”
There are times when we need to be perfect – or as close to it as possible. Constructing a bridge and performing surgery are two of those instances. Then there is the rest of life, where perfectionism is sought after but often unrealistic and unhealthy. Not only can high expectations leave us feeling exhausted and unsatisfied, but they can also hold us back from achieving anything. As Professor Brené Brown wrote, “The imperfect book that gets published is better than the perfect book that never leaves my computer.”
Interestingly, the Harvard Business Review reports there is growing evidence that the increase in depression and anxiety disorders may stem from the excessive standards we hold ourselves to. It comes as no surprise that this can be driven by the perfect profiles we see on social media and our natural tendencies to self-compare. [Link to self-comparison article.] We expect to be the ‘best’ parent, partner friend and co-worker while advancing our career, starting a side hustle, owning the latest products and always looking incredible. We want to do more, be more, but fail less. Why? For some of you, it’s because you fear failure. For others, it’s because your self-worth and value are tied to your achievements. For many, it’s both.
How to strive for excellence in a healthier way
- Cut yourself some slack. Self-compassion is vital to overcome high expectations. We all make mistakes, but they can eat away at perfectionists. Write in your notebook the mistake you made, what you learnt from it, how you can correct it and what you will do differently next time. Once you have done your best to fix it, allow yourself to let it go.
- Become more self-aware. The critic in you might speak in absolutes, such as “always” or “never”. When you notice this, seek out the exceptions. Chances are, you don’t “always” disappointment people.
- Set clear, realistic expectations from the outset. This takes some self-understanding. How can you meet your values without having to be perfect? Define what ‘enough’ is to you and refer back to it when you feel you ‘haven’t done enough’ or ‘weren’t good enough’. Know your limits – what are you not willing to sacrifice in the process? Your sanity? Happiness? Family time?
- Practice self-care. Make a commitment to set aside some time for yourself each day to do what you want. Write, paint, go for a walk, take a bath, read a book or watch an episode of your favourite TV show. It may feel selfish at first, but it’s important to remember that you can’t pour from an empty cup. The same applies to your professional life.
- Set boundaries. Boundaries for yourself could be to not work past 7pm, not answer work emails on the weekend or to avoid people who are hurtful or stressful. When setting boundaries, consider what your rights and values are and what your gut tells you. Get specific.
- Learn to say ‘no’. Use your boundaries to determine when you need to say ‘no’ and practice getting good at it. Don’t have an elaborately fabricated ruse, just keep it simple and firm: “No, I have other commitments that day.” “No, I have too much on my plate right now.” Or simply say “no” – you don’t always need to explain yourself.
- Do some inner work. Become curious about why you have such high expectations of yourself. Are you reflecting society’s view of ‘success’? Did you receive extra special attention when you got good grades as a child? Do you fear failure because you don’t want to disappoint people? Are you scared to feel ashamed if you make a mistake? Uncovering the reason for excessive standards is key to conquering them.
Overcoming high expectations and perfectionism takes time. If you would like an Emotional Wellness and Clarity Coach to assist you with working on the above, I am here for you. Schedule a complimentary, obligation-free Discovery Session to uncover what is holding you back by clicking here.
